Letters to Atobe
by Quellesirel Peredhil
Summary: Tezuka finds his own way of getting over the destruction of his arm. New beginnings ensue.


Atobe,

I know the world does not end with tennis. In a bed 5,837 miles away from everything I care about, it does not feel like it. That is only an approximation as I entered into google: "What is the distance between Tokyo and Munich." Since there is no telling exactly where 5,837 from this exact spot will be, and I am not so idle as to take out an atlas to calculate, this number is as insignificant as this paragraph.

There are things I like about Germany. The sausages taste more real and the facility is excellent, save for being overly cheerful and especially fond of high fives.

Though I have a unique opportunity to explore this new culture, I see my failure everywhere. My trainer is wasting her life and talent. She drinks too much. I wonder if that is what I have to look forward to: bitter ruins of something that used to exist. Is such a fate inevitable? I feel irrelevant here – out of context. Not a part of the world and not a part of tennis. For my pride, I lost my arm and sense of purpose. Though I have made this venture to reclaim it, I gravitate away from those who I set out to protect. I am confused. This is your fault. This is my fault.

Blame is an exercise in futility.

I have physical therapy in the morning. I will sleep now.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

It is six forty six am and I am extremely angry with you. You were horribly cruel in my dream:

It was very early in the morning. I woke up, put on my tennis jersey and boarded the train with my fishing gear. I reached a carnival ground and traded my fishing gear for entry. Your coach, who was collecting the entry fees, said my hiking boots did not match my tennis uniform. I had to leave those at the entrance too. Everyone at the park was wearing a tennis uniform; everyone wearing a tennis uniform converged about the great ferris wheel in the middle of the grounds. I went to approach it myself, but Echizen stopped me.

"Buchou, you need two arms to ride the Tennis Wheel," he said. Sure enough, the sign said 'Tennis Wheel: Two Arms to Ride.'

I informed him that I had two arms. Only when I looked to my right, did I realize one of my arms was missing. I could still feel it when I tried to move my missing limb.

Then, you ran through the crowd, past both of us, and onto the ride. In your right hand, you clutched my arm, its fingers waving madly as I tried to move them. I told you to stop, because that was my arm and you did not need three arms to ride.

You laughed and said: "Just try to catch me, Tezuka."

Echizen climbed up the Tennis Wheel to confront you because I didn't have any shoes, but you tossed my arm off the ride. Down to the ground it flew; I positioned myself under to catch it, but one of my old senpai did first. Laughing with you, they tossed my arm around to each other and called me arrogant. I was too small to catch it.

Everything started spinning and I just wanted it to end. Then I woke up. I soaked through the Senbatsu Camp t-shirt from last year with sweat. My arm throbbed and it was three thirty three am. I started to carve anyway. Clumsily, with my right arm and a particularly good clamp to keep the wood still, I shaped you roughly. I thought about building you. If I were in charge and could do it all over again, would I make you any different? Would I put less pride in your step? Would I mitigate your destructive impulse and replace your emotional responses with greater logic? Would I make you more amiable and less of an obnoxious person trying to hide?

No.

It is an abominable thing for a man to commend himself, but I cannot help but think that altering the traits that define you would render you not my fit match. We have complementary strengths and weaknesses, but exactly the same amount of pride in who we are and what we stand for. You exacerbate my flaws. Though I knew my loss would not result in my team's loss, I would not back down. I knew my arm would be destroyed in persistence…but I do not have it in me to forfeit. My pride could not stand for such a thing. You enable me. I'm just as bad. To make you different would render us unable to expose each other to the greatest extremity of fault and strength. It would take away any and all meaning from our match and my arm.

I am too tired to care about how selfish all of that sounds.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

I talked to you on the phone today. You reported the score of your match to me.

i"The match with Echizen ended in a 6-6 tie."

"I see."

"But anything could have happened if it had gone into tie-break."

"Mm. Sorry for imposing on you, Atobe."

"Hurry up and get your shoulder healed so you can play me again. I will completely crush you next time."

"I'm looking forward to it. Thank you."

"See you." /i

I wonder if you feel bad for the way our match turned out.

Doubtful. You have no reason to. I blamed you in an earlier letter, but I reserve the right to be wrong in foolish in a one sided correspondence. In truth, I am corresponding with myself as you will never receive these letters. I am not writing in my diary because I want this process left out of my life written down. I wish to write this out of my existence. To win, I will need to get over you. I will need to get over my pride.

Why would you agree to help Echizen in the first place? Regardless, thank you for helping him.

Also, in refining your sculpture I chipped off your nose by accident. I will need to fix your face tomorrow.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

My trainer called me unlovable today. I called her a drunk with a poor backhand. I think we are about even.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

Oishi texted me. Seigaku won the Kantou tournament. I do not know whether I am sad or jealous.

I want nothing more than a game of tennis right now.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

I bought many sausages today. I have also devised a plan to impede your training by taking advantage of the email system and catching you off guard. I would say look out for letters from me, but you will never receive this one.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

I let my guard down today by lifting more than I should have.

To concentrate on something other than the pain, I began to carve you again. This time, it looks more like you. I suppose I have never functioned my best between the hours of 2 and 5am.

If I never have to high five anyone again, it will be too soon.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

I realized my letters to you are becoming shorter and shorter. Perhaps this is some sort of indication that I am over what happened. I do not forgive you because there is nothing to forgive.

I still wonder if you feel guilty. If I were you, I would be training too hard to feel much of anything. Perhaps that is your current state. If I am imagining such a thing, I have yet to get over you.

My team is arriving tomorrow. I have missed them. Part of me wishes that you would come to visit as well, but I we have nothing to say to each other. My arm is the elephant in the room and we cannot play tennis yet. Can strong friendships be based off one common thing? Well, perhaps two common things, if pride counts. It seems to me that would inhibit more than help.

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

It was good to see my team. They brought me the medal and I felt like I made sense. The metal is cold like the rim of my racket and I want to play.

Hannah beat me at Wii tennis. She was also drunk. When I defeat her, she will allow me onto the real court, given I use my right arm. I cannot write anymore, as I need to practice.

It seems Echizen was a good influence on her,

Tezuka

-

Atobe,

I played tennis yesterday. I will see you at Senbatsu camp and will not be writing to you in this fashion anymore. I am over what happened, but I am not sure it is possible to be over you. Only time and tennis will tell.

A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still: you must not want to see everything. -FN

Though you are getting none of these letters, I did send you the sculpture of yourself. It is as tall as my middle finger and greatly resembles you – except one leg is shorter than the other.

Thank you for helping me through this. I am still relevant,

Tezuka Kunimitsu


End file.
